


Stop Dragging My Heart Around

by CursedEstlin



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Can we please get these ladies some professional help from someone not in the inner circle, F/F, Kara and Hope tolerate each other, Season/Series 05, post episode 5x01
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-09
Updated: 2019-10-09
Packaged: 2020-11-28 14:44:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20968283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CursedEstlin/pseuds/CursedEstlin
Summary: “I need your help to protect her. I don’t want to have to protect her from you,” Alex finishes, as close to begging and full on weeping as she’s ever seen. “So could you please stop being a dick, Lena?”Lena can’t look at Alex. Can’t face her with the vitriol that’s in her heart. It’s still there, but it’s being overpowered by something new now. Something that felt a lot lighter. “I’ll try,” she promises softly.





	Stop Dragging My Heart Around

**Author's Note:**

> Post 5x01 thoughts: Are we all just going to ignore that J’onn is pretty much the worst psychic ever? Does Lena have a psychic shield? How does Martian Man not know what’s up?
> 
> Also, if Eve’s pregnancy is canon this season, by show of hands, who’d like to see Lex and Eve’s kid raised by a Luthor and a Super if Eve can’t do it?
> 
> *raises hand

Perhaps Alex shouldn’t intentionally leave her tablet unlocked and unattended. Perhaps she shouldn’t have feigned surprise when Brainy issued a DEO wide Presidential arrival alert when she already knew he was scheduled to visit in less than an hour. But there she was, across the table from someone she had a hard time recognizing anymore. Someone that Supergirl trusted with her life and stood up for, now more than ever. Someone whose intentions were unclear. Especially now that everything they originally feared seemed to be coming to fruition. 

The opportunity for Lena to discover a few more truths had presented itself and there Alex was, firmly instructing Lena not to leave the interview room and forgetting her tablet on the table between them. 

Lena looked unimpressed with her instructions to stay put, her arms crossed petulantly over her chest like a sullen teenager. Alex had requested her presence ostensibly to discuss her continued use of the labs at the DEO. It could have been a discussion by phone or email, but Alex was barely out the door when Lena looked right at the camera lens she knew was pointed at her and blatantly reached across and picked up the abandoned device. Alex left in such a hurry it hadn’t had time enough yet to enter Standby mode, rendering it locked and useless. 

She disregards the first screen, showing the alert that Alex left to attend to. A Presidential visit. It didn’t look all that urgent since it wasn’t supposed to happen for another hour, but if that’s what Alex constituted an emergency, who was she to argue when it left her with a golden opportunity. 

She reads through the icons on the main screen, more than a few sparking her curiosity but her eye keeps getting drawn back to the one labeled **SG Med**. She rightly assumes it’s Kara’s medical records and seconds later she’s looking at line after line of trauma Kara has racked up, with the most recent being from that very morning with a concussion sustained, head laceration, multiple contusions (each cataloged by severity and including pictures) as well as imaging from an MRI and x-rays of rib fractures. What could have injured Kara like that, she worried.

**K’Hund** the threat field reported. A strong and brutal warrior race, if Lena correctly recalled.

Kara had to feel all of it. Didn’t she? The thought rolls heavily like oil through her stomach. She’s obviously not impervious to every threat she encounters. Some of the beatings, bullets and blades she took hadn’t healed instantaneously. Her injuries lasted long enough to be catalogued and documented. And there were hundreds, if not more than a thousand records to scroll through, ranging from mundane and minuscule to shocking and horrifying. 

**Red Daughter** She swallowed thickly at the next piece of info. No. That couldn’t be right. 

_Catastrophic Internal Trauma - Deceased_

Reported and detailed after the fact by Director Danvers. Alex. Alex wrote the entry for her sisters death.

No. 

She couldn’t bear to read through the documentation and skipped past it as quickly as she could.

In her mind, Lena knew that the records could only go back to late 2015 when Supergirl came on the scene, but she’s been scrolling for sixty seconds and she’s only back to mid 2018. 

**Reign** She felt herself go cold as that date appears and the list of damage sustained during their rooftop battle paints another grim picture. 

Her eyes stumble over things like _Cerebral Hemorrhage_ and _Spinal Cord Compression_ and _Crushed Vertebrae T1-7_

She pulls up the full report, her hand trembling when she covers her mouth with the evidence staring her in the face of how close to losing Kara she came. How her interference, arrogance and secret, so justifiable to her then and even now, had nearly cost Kara her life. Sweet Kara who smiles at her so gently now, as if she doesn’t trust herself to not hurt her again.. as if she’s punishing herself when it’s Lena she shouldn’t trust and Lena who wants her to experience pain and humiliation. Beautiful Kara who had taken a beating less than eight hours ago but texted her twenty minutes before she arrived at the DEO to wish her a great day and hopes of meeting soon for lunch. She deleted the text almost the instant it popped up. _Idiot_, she called herself out. 

The file is long. There’s no way she can read the entire thing and she knows she’s close to running out of time so she goes back to the main list, running her fingers up the screen again and again to see how far back she can get before Alex returns. With each new page of data her teeth grind unconsciously and she feels herself grow angrier and angrier and more fiercely protective of Kara than she’s ever felt for anyone before. 

Alex watched Lena from the monitor in her office, at first wary and prepared for her to be looking for an inside track on how to really hurt Kara, but she’s convinced by the new steel in Lena’s eyes that she’s ignited the fire that will burn away the hostility she knows Lena is still harboring over Kara’s secret being kept from her. 

Kara couldn’t see it. Wouldn’t see it. Wouldn’t acknowledge or accept that Lena was scheming against her, vehemently defending her just hours ago. But Alex knew Lena was plotting something long term. That was the Luthor way. It sucks that she’s making those assumptions that Lena has embraced the Luthor Legacy, and she can all too clearly hear Kara defending Lena, but the signs were just too overwhelming this time. Everything about Lena and every interaction she had with her and watched Lena have with Kara was just.. off. Forced. Too sincere and cynical at the same time.

The exact endgame she didn’t know. She only knew that Lena was hurting and that she wanted Kara to hurt as well. To be punished for keeping her secret.

She observes Lena finishing her snooping, placing the tablet back on the table exactly as she’d found it. She looks both confused and devastated. Alex believes if she’s going to get through Lena’s impassive wall, she’s going to have to strike now.

She returns to the room, her eyes go to the tablet and then to Lena. “Find anything useful?” she asks, pointedly. No sense in beating around the bush she figures. 

Lena smiles icily before it quickly morphs into something less sinister. “Deception from a Danvers? How shocking,” she teases, but the joke falls flat between them. “Does it hurt? I mean, does she feel all of that pain?” She hates how small she feels and sounds. Alex’s piercing gaze hasn’t left her face.

“Yes,” she answers succinctly, unwilling to elaborate. 

“But you still send her out there.” There’s no accusation in Lena’s tone and it’s unclear which of them are more surprised by that.

“She understands that safety isn’t a luxury she can afford to have when she’s fighting to protect us. She always pays the price so you and me and everyone else on this planet don’t have to.

“You know the ironic thing about you accessing that information is that Kara named you as her emergency contact. She signed a waiver after she told you about Supergirl. You can have that entire history if you ask for it.” Alex takes the seat across from her again, her eyes trained like a hawk on Lena so she doesn’t miss the flinch in Lena’s schooled expression at this news. “You and me. That’s who she trusts to make medical decisions for her if she can’t.”

“Guess that’s something else she forgot to mention,” Lena offers off handedly. As if this news doesn’t come as just as big of a shock to her system as Kara confessing her identity. She keeps surprising her and turning her world upside down. 

The silence stretches between them and the tension grows until Alex breaks it and deploys her truth bomb. “No matter how much time she spends under a yellow sun, she will never be able to heal the pain she feels over not telling you. You know that, don’t you? You know she’s going to keep trying to be the best version of herself for you. To make up for hurting you.

“I know you’re hurt. I know she added to the list of terrible things the world has done to you. But ask yourself how many of the people on that list are trying to make it right? How many on that list feel actual remorse for what they’ve done? How many on that list would actively try to hurt you again if they had the chance? How many would try to protect you?

“I know you, Lena. You’re pulling away from her, from all of us, and I’m done watching you make shitty passive aggressive swipes at her expense to make yourself feel better. You know Kara will never call you out on it. She doesn’t see it, she only sees the best in you. Always. It’s _always_ been that way for her. Why won’t you see the best in her? 

“I know you’re determined to make her pay for what she did to you. I need to know you’re not going to be responsible for that list growing with whatever you’re planning. Because if you are? If that’s your plan? We’re going to have a problem and I am not one of your boarding school buddies you can fuck over.

“I need your help to protect her. I don’t want to have to protect her from you,” Alex finishes, as close to begging and full on weeping as she’s ever seen. “So could you please stop being a dick, Lena?”

Lena can’t look at Alex. Can’t face her with the vitriol that’s in her heart. It’s still there, but it’s being overpowered by something new now. Something that felt a lot lighter. “I’ll try,” she promises softly. 

It’s quiet around her apartment now. No more conversations with Hope to analytically rationalize her plans to ruin Supergirl. No more training sessions to numb herself to not care about how close she was to losing everything and becoming her brother - hellbent on the destruction of an alien, even if her destruction was only meant to be emotional. 

Every fiber of her being always knew that was actually worse. Destroying Kara emotionally meant destroying mankind’s greatest beacon of hope. That was worse than death for Kara.

It took three days for her to finally respond to one of Kara’s daily texts and invite her over for dinner. She’s not sure who is more nervous when she opens her door, but the smile and utter joy on Kara’s face just seeing her makes her feel awful and guilty and wonderful all at the same time. 

She moves aside, ushering Kara with her hands full of takeout towards the kitchen where there’s a couple glasses of wine waiting for them on the bar top counter. 

“I’m so glad you were free tonight, Lena. You’ve been so darn busy lately I hardly get a chance to see you,” Kara smiles easily as she deposits their dinner beside the stove. Lena steps into her space as soon as she’s able, wrapping her arms around Kara in a genuine hug that is long overdue.

If Kara is caught off guard by the sudden display of trust and affection, she doesn’t show it. Doesn’t question it. Only sinks gratefully into it and holds Lena as tightly as she can without breaking anything. “Please tell me we’re going to be okay.” She’s frightened this is it. This is when the other shoe drops and Lena tells her there’s just too much damage done and they can’t be friends any longer. 

“Don’t stop believing in me, Kara. Don’t stop loving me. I’m not shining my brightest right now and I’m sorry. Wait for me? Please? I’m trying to be better. For both of us,” Lena pleads with her. There’s no one in her life she could ever imagine being so vulnerable and breakable for, but she needs Kara so much more than she could ever hope to box away.

Kara’s breathing stutters as much as the heart in her chest. “I can’t lose you. I won’t lose you. I love you too much to ever give up on you or us,” Kara promises. 

“Don’t let go.” Lena breaks in Kara’s arms, unraveling and shedding as many layers of hurt and betrayal as she can, knowing that even when Kara falls, she’ll always catch her. 

She’s already caught her tonight - dinner and wine abandoned for several hours when Kara steers them to the couch where there’s barely room for Lena to curl into Kara’s chest where she eventually cries herself to sleep.

She catches her again when Lena introduces her to Hope after dinner has been reheated and fresh wine flows. Kara smiles patiently as she answers question after question from the AI who knows far more about human nature and the bond between herself and Lena than is comfortable at times. But she hangs in there, satisfying (for now) Hope’s curiosity.

She’s on a roll when Lena closes in on Kara’s personal space again and lays her head against her shoulder. She’s gone without Kara and her casual touch for so long that she’s starved for it and she can’t even be bothered to be embarrassed by it. Kara’s arms automatically go around her and give her enough confidence to timidly ask “Stay?”

“Yes. But not on that couch,” Kara negotiates, keeping an arm around Lena while pulling her phone out to send J’onn and Alex a quick text to cover being on call for the rest of the night.

Kara stays over that night and the next night as well. On the third night, they meet Alex and Kelly for drinks and it feels an awful lot like a double date for all parties involved. It starts off shaky with noticeable tension between Alex and Lena but all seems to be forgiven by the end of the evening. 

Lena finds herself in Kara’s bed that night since her place was closer to the bar and though it’s not the luxury mattress she’s used to, the arms and body she finds herself curled up to more than make up for it. 

There’s a routine established now and for the next three months they spend much of their downtime together. 

There’s sleepovers more often than not. Lena’s feet are always icicles that she enjoys tormenting Kara with and Kara’s butt edges Lena off the bed in retaliation and Kara’s laughter can be heard throughout the entire apartment. 

There’s morning coffee and rushing around to get to work and late night hot cocoa and tea and Netflix.

There’s a goose game on Kara’s Switch that they lose hours to, heads resting against each other and they honk and steal and menace their way through the gameplay and Lena’s carefree giggles are like pure sunshine to Kara.

There’s shared meals and copious amounts of wine and fresh flowers Kara brings Lena and walks around the block with Mrs Steins dog, Elvis, a few times a week. They don’t hold hands, but Kara always holds her elbow out for Lena to take and they’re almost always arm in arm. And if Kara or Lena happen to be hugging an arm as they walk along, so be it. 

There’s migrating clothes, a blanket of Kara’s thrown over the back of Lena’s hated couch, and cosmetics and books at both their places. An extra Super suit and a couple pairs of glasses take up residence at Lena’s and a portable extension of Hope hangs out on Kara’s kitchen island now and things are good between them again. Really good. Better than before, even.

They work their way through their turmoil, and it’s not easy at times and Lena has to work hard to keep from withdrawing like a turtle when things feel too raw between them and the lie stings more than usual. 

Kara always understands. She beats herself up far more than Lena does or wants or expects and once Lena points out that that’s not helping anything, that’s what Kara works hard on improving. She always does her best to answer Lena’s hard to swallow questions even when it hurts to admit exactly what she was feeling or thinking in whatever moment Lena’s asking her about. 

There’s confidence in their friendship mending and growing beyond the boundaries of what it was before. It’s strong. It’s solid. There’s no secrets between them. They’ve worked hard to get to the place they’re at - a place where possibilities exist of being more. It’s there. The attraction. The connection. The intimacy in how they treat one another. It’s always been there, flirting with desire between them and the question now is are they ready to change their friendship again? 

Kelly sees the potential between them too, and gently suggests that maybe their intense feelings could use some time cooling off before they embark on an adventure they may not really want and that could do more harm than good. 

Neither of them are happy about it, but they don’t want to risk everything they’ve gained either. 

There’s a Saturday afternoon Lena spends at Kara’s to collect her things. Kara will follow her over to her place where Kara will gather her things. It’s a brutal process that leaves them both on the verge of tears the entire time. Eventually there’s a couple of boxes stacked by Kara’s front door and garment bags draped over them and they’re both absolutely miserable. 

“Why does it feel like we’re breaking up?” Kara voices, roughly swiping at her cheeks to rid them of tears. “This is bullshit,” she declares before turning away. 

Lena watches Kara’s hands flex into clenched fists over and over as she tries to regain some composure. She wants to say something. She wants to be able to offer Kara words of comfort, but she can’t. She’s barely surviving this herself. The best she can do is stand beside Kara and slip her arm around her. 

To her horror, Kara pulls away and it’s like a physical blow to her chest. Kara notices her distressed expression and immediately surges forward and pulls her against her. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to pull away,” she swears. “I just wanted to say something and got a head full of steam.”

Lena chokes on whatever retort she was going to make and Kara holds her tighter. 

“These feelings aren’t new to me, Lena. I’ve always had them. They’ve always been there. I just know what they are now. That’s partially why it was so hard to tell you the truth. The risk was too scary. Kelly is being a good friend and looking out for us, but she’s wrong. These feelings aren’t going to cool off. They haven’t in three years.” Her breathing is finally calming down and she takes a couple deep breaths. “I want you to know that. So whatever time we’re not together you don’t have to wonder or worry where I’m at. This is where I’m at. Right here. With you.”

Lena isn’t surprised that Kara is expressing the same feelings she has. They’re far too close for any of this to be one-sided. She doesn’t say it back, because having those words and feelings out there is big and scary and she’s still coming to terms with Kara’s major presence in her life and how obsessed she’d become with wanting to hurt her. 

“Stop that. You are too good and so much stronger than you give yourself credit for,” Kara calls her out. Of course she knows what’s going through Lena’s head. She’s had a front seat to her thought process and self destructive tendencies for the last three months. She backs away slightly, keeping Lena in the circle of her arms because she also knows that it’s easier for Lena to push away her negative thoughts when there’s physical touch involved. 

“If it’s not the same for you, that’s okay. I’m not going anywhere,” Kara starts. 

“Of course it’s the same,” Lena stops Kara’s train at the station. She might not be ready just yet for them to take the leap, but she’s not going to let Kara wonder if she’s loved in return or not. “Can we just..”

“Forget this entire thing? Yes. Yes, please.” Kara’s nearly giddy with the prospect. “This was a terrible idea.” Lena laughs in spite of herself and lets out a relieved breath when Kara pulls her back in. 

“Help me put my stuff back where it belongs?” Lena asks, knowing - hoping for Kara’s answer. Kara’s eyes light up and there’s a whoosh of activity and the next time she blinks, the boxes are gone, her clothes are hanging alongside Kara’s once more and all of her items have been redistributed around the apartment. Best yet is that Kara has whisked her to the bed and is back in her pajamas. 

“I need serious cuddles. Like. Stat.” Kara grins at her before turning her towards the dresser where her own sleepwear has undoubtedly been returned, and feels a light shove in that direction. 

“You’re ridiculous,” she rolls her eyes fondly, quickly grabbing something to change in to. She stands at the side of the bed a few short minutes later, pointedly removing the socks she just put on and tossing them over her shoulder. Kara pretends to be horrified even as she’s holding the covers open for her to get under. 

Once they’re done giggling and are settled in, Kara looks far too contemplative for Lena’s liking. She props herself up on her elbow and peers down at Kara. “Speak.” She sticks a finger right in the middle of Crinkle and Kara makes a face at her. Lena waits patiently, not moving her finger until the crinkle goes away and she can sweep it down Kara’s nose. 

“I was just thinking that you and I are the only ones that should have a say in what we’re doing. What we’re building is ours and I don’t appreciate being told that our feelings are too much and that we should back off. We’re moving at our own pace. We’ll slow down if we agree we need to, but we’re still moving forward.” The Crinkle returns and disappears just as quickly as Kara searches Lena’s thoughtful expression. It’s much easier to discern these days since Lena seems unwilling to hide anything from her. It’s clear that Lena is with her on this.

“She _is_ a therapist,” Lena points out. She likes to keep Kara on her toes. She doesn’t miss the slight eye roll. 

“And I’m sure she’s amazing with her patients whose history and personalities she knows. But she’s not _our_ therapist,” Kara reasons.

“Agreed.” Lena responds, laying back down. 

“You’re very agreeable,” Kara accuses. 

“It’s annoying. I know.” Lena smirks, using her toes to push the leg of Kara’s pajama pants up before planting her freezing foot squarely on Kara’s muscled calf. Kara is always very warm and she only squawks a little when her other foot finds it’s way under Kara’s leg. 

“Ugh. How did you survive before I became your personal space heater?” Kara complains without any malice. She’s happy to help, honestly. She doesn’t even feel the temperature, only registers the pressure. She knows Lena knows this as well.

“I wore socks to bed,” Lena answers dryly.

“Oohhh. Sexy,” Kara teases, relieved that they’re able to get back to their normal so quickly after such a rotten afternoon. She grins easily now. “We’re going to be one of those gross overly amorous couples in public. Alex and Kelly are gonna be all “I wish we were like that!””

Lena scoffs. “Psh. They wish.” There’s no point denying the inevitable. They both know it’s a simple matter of when and not if, and sooner rather than later.

“They DO wish!” Kara laughs, pleased that once again, they’re on the same page.


End file.
